Silencing of Indian Trauma Victims
Here is a running list of phrases, attitudes, and actions that have been used to silence my authentic self, the pain I’ve experienced, and the truth about my family and my culture. I’ll also dissect them and how they lead to the silencing.
Any variation of “American culture is so corrupt, Indian culture is the best”
Basically a threat that if you criticize Indian culture, you are corrupt. Obey everything related to Indian culture and don’t shame your parents. While growing up, I was made to believe this and always held the point of view that Indian culture was the best. While I think American culture has many problems, I would have liked to be a bit more of a blend between the two. What resulted instead was that I was socially awkward, unable to talk to girls, and bullied for my lack of integration.
“We tried our best”
This may be true, but if you say it when you’re faced with having to deal with the consequences of your actions, you’re just trying to escape responsibility. Parenting doesn’t involve participation trophies. I truly believe my father has done his best, by my mother used this phrase as a manipulative tactic to escape her own responsibility. In my naivete, I believed her and tried to let her off the hook since I believe in taking people for the best they can give, but over time it became clear that she wasn’t really trying her best.
“I was hit as a kid/terrified of my parents and turned out fine”
Usually they didn’t turn out fine. The parent lacks empathy, holds bigoted viewpoints, and is narcissistic. They’re basically saying this to justify their own actions, but deep down they have never empathized with their own pain and thus cannot accept that what they did was wrong.
Preventing you from mentioning mental illness in a public context
This is to save face. They don’t want to look bad and they don’t want the family to look bad, so they want you to pretend that everything is okay. Indian culture stigmatizes mental illness, but especially stigmatizes anything that falls outside the cultural norm. The one memory etched into my mind is when I walked out of my home crying while I was having my mental breakdown and my father urged me inside with a clear desire to make sure nobody sees the dysfunction in our family.
“Mom/dad misses you”
It’s fine to miss your kids, but if you are estranged and haven’t taken the time to understand why your child is not talking to you, do the internal work to change, and then write a heartfelt apology with intent to change your behavior, then this is nothing but manipulation. This may be the most dangerous manipulation there is because many Indian children are guilted from day one and that guilt is repeatedly used as a chain to keep them in place. The worst offender here has been my sister, who has repeatedly tried to guilt trip me into talking to my mother, going so far as implying I’m abusing her for not speaking to her.
Dumping their own emotions onto the kid
This one is a bit more covert, but it teaches the child that the parent’s emotion is more important than their own emotion. Growing up I had to take care of my mother’s emotions, including her thinly veiled suicidality. As a result, I felt guilt any time I expressed resentment or anger at her.
“We spent money on you/raised you and you became this?”
The idea of being indebted to your parents is etched into the psyches of many Indian children. This is a way of maintaining control. This tactic was at its worst when I entered college. I had a very hard time during college due to mental health issues and wanted to take time off or even drop out to be free for a bit. The natural retort was that they were wasting money on my education if I wanted to do my own thing and be my own person. This has led to a lifelong resentment towards them since I was treated as an investment as opposed to an actual human being.
Criticism of any form of self-expression that falls outside of Indian culture
I grew up listening to heavy metal and was staunchly atheist. I hated going to the temple since I didn’t believe in God and enjoyed listening to death metal and things that were more “taboo”. Instead of trying to understand why I held these positions or enjoyed these forms of art, my parents mocked me. With respect to metal, they just called it screaming music and said it was dirty. With regards to my atheism, I’d be met with condescending remarks about how I’d come back to God or that this was a phase.
If you’re a parent and you worry you may have said/done any of these to your child, don’t worry, you can still improve your relationship with your kid and amend the damage done. It’s going to require that you question your attachment to Indian culture and how it’s affected you and will most likely involve seeing how the action has damaged you in the past and how you’ve numbed yourself to that pain.
But if you read the list above and don’t see anything wrong and think that I’m just an ungrateful child complaining, I promise you that your culture will crumble and all that you hold dear will burn down as culture evolves and your children become more self-loving and aware. It’s your choice to be regressive.